Thursday, March 25, 2010

unwritten

sorry I haven't been around..been so busy with doctors etc

So I am in halifax ... sitting in my friends dorm writing this blog! I am actually so happy to be here. I just have a really good feeling right now.

When I left Halifax I thought for sure I was never going to come back. I was happy with the people around me, the parties or the school. Let's put it this way I was a grumpy gus. Now that I'm back after a couple months...I feel like I miss it!

I have a life here. One that doesn't involve my parents having to drive me everywhere, being decide where to go and who to see...I really get to do what I want when I want to. I don't really get to do that at home. I have to always worry about keep everyone happy and not upsetting anyone...

Brown Girl wrote a post that really got to me and made me start to think. She was talking about how hard it be to let people in sometimes. After being burned so many times..this invisible wall starts to build and before you know it your like repunzel stuck up in a tower. I'm not good at asking for help and when I was here I needed a little more help like with carrying my food and stuck and I think I may have wrongly accused some people of only being my friend because they felt sorry for me and knew I needed help. Maybe it was that invisible wall and my insecurities about myself and the way I want my life to be that got in way of being open to people

I wrote the first portion of this post my first day in Halifax. I am home now and honestly I don't feel quite the same about everything. I thing alot of the girls are great and have wonderful qualities but aren't in my group of friends that I know totally have my back forever. I think going away to school allowed me to have freedom and independence that is harder to have at home due to many things but I think I can have what I want and not moved away from home. Once I start school again I think things will start to change because I will be getting out more and doing more things. hopefully I can move into an apartment and that way it'll be easier to get around and what not.

Anywho I have alot to talk about since I've been away so long but I don't wanna bombard everyone in one post...Coming soon: All about my trip with pics, My request that was answered from the look 4 less, the new miley cyrus movie and much more!!

Happy Friday:)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Introducing...

I'd like to introduce you all to my better looking younger but actually older sister Chelsea...



I got her when I was 11 after like 10 years of begging for a dog. I saw her in the window and I knew she was my little stinker! This dog is unbelievable!! Let me tell you. When we got her they told us her breed (Maltese) likes to lie down and cuddle all day, hates snow hardly barks. I think this woman hit her head at that time because this dog is the friskiest thing I've ever seen. She loves the snow, she barks well not anymore she's older but definetly when people come to the door and she's miss bossy britches.

when she wants a treat she sits in front of mom and growls and cries until she caves (she knows she will) and at exactly 4pm she knows its dinner and lets everyone know about it. She's so funny as I sit hear typing this my Dad just picked her up from behind the couch (she's hiding cause its time for her shot...she's diabetic) and the curtain touched her and she has caderacs so she didn't know what was happening and she starting barking at the curtains LOL

i love this little fur ball so much and she has her own personality!! Hope you're having a good day.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Happy Saturday!!!

GOOD MORNIN!

I'm in a really good mood this morning! A Walk To Remember is on right (my fav movie) , I remember when it came out..I was 12, I think and remember going out and buying a pink wool sweater because the character in the movie had one. I thought "hey since she got the guy maybe if I wear one." Give me a break I was 12 and still believed that prince charming was coming for me!
(Don't worry that illusion has faded)

I just found out I am going back to Halifax where I was going to school for a visit this week and I am really excited! I haven't seen my Hali friends in sooo long! There is Gala/ Dance for the dorm I used to live in...so that should be fun! My friend Colin was really nice and said if they wouldn't let me buy a ticket that he would take me:) SO NICE! He is such a nice guy! I really like him:) I really wanna be a knock out since the last time everyone saw I was either in the hospital and looked yucky or just got out and still looked like cousin IT.

I planning on going to get my hair done. Cut and color change Woohoo!! not sure if I am going to buy a new dress or wear one I have that I've never worn!! I post pics of my possible choices ASAP so you guys can help me decide! I CAN'T WAIT!

BE HAPPY EVERYONE IT'S SATURDAY!!

PS: IF ANYONE KNOWS A GOOD PLACE ONLINE TO GET DRESSES LET ME KNOW

Friday, March 19, 2010

The New And Improved Blog!!!

Since I've been off sick I've really gotten into this whole blog thing! I love it!! I spend alot of time reading others and I think its a great thing.

I am soooo super duper proud of myself...if anyone has noticed I haven't been blogging the past couple days because I've been working on my layout and trying to make things look really good...This not very technologically savvy girl even went so far as to get photoshop and somewhat figure out how to use it!! I still have a couple tweeks i wanna do but I'm pretty happy with the results for now!!!

Mrs. Dew let me know that my comments weren't working. Sorry about that I don't know what happen but it is fixed!!

I love to hear from you guys!!! Any comments, suggestions or Questions you have feel free to ask!
xoxo

Monday, March 15, 2010

Stuck in a Style Rut

When I was high school I won best dressed at prom and when I was in college people who come up and comment on my outfits. Since becoming sick I kinda don't really get dressed anymore...just kind of live in my pj's or when I do get dressed (mainly to go to the doctors) I'm in my sweats!

I think I'm stuck in a rut and I need some help getting out! All I do on the computer is look at clothes and fashion sites but I can't seem to commit to anything...

I want my fashionista status back...any suggestions on items I should purchase??

Saturday, March 13, 2010

something special to me

I want to share this speech we all of you that a friend of mine wrote I thought it was AMAZING!! I totally relate to her feelings and thought it was really great that opened up like this...I hope you enjoy!!

Today I’m going to focus on a topic that I think gets so little recognition and that is the topic of women with disabilities and relationship realities of our situation using my experiences. I remember the first time I noticed something was different about me. I mean I obviously knew I was in a wheelchair and got around differently compared to other children but for some reason no one seemed to notice and if they did they didn’t show me they cared. I think my issues about my disability began in the second grade when a fellow male classmate said as a rebuttal to something I said, “Well no one is going to marry you because you’re in a wheelchair”. I was shocked; I remember crying in the bathroom non-stop for a good hour. What did my wheelchair have anything to do with my future let alone my marriage? Taking into consideration my age at the time, I didn’t understand the full depths of relationships and even so I felt like one of my dreams was forever shattered. I was always the girl who played with my sisters left over tool from her wedding on a weekly basis , I also loved playing mommy and I did it with such expertise. I buried that comment away in my mind somewhere without really acknowledging it or expressing its effects on me to anyone over the years. I never knew what kind of world I was about to grow up in.


I always had numerous amounts of friends and had a very active social life beginning as a child. In elementary school all the boys and girls talked to me, I was quite popular and not always in a positive “everyone knows you” light. By the time I was 12 I could feel the changes happening within me and around me. From outside my elementary school clique, youth from other schools could not understand how the heck a girl like me had so many friends and got so much attention. When I noticed how people around me were changing as a result of these comments I began to overcompensate. Knowing full well the change was because I was in a chair I began to do anything necessary to not be associated with being disabled even if it meant being associated with other mostly negative things. My overcompensation turned self-destructive in which I put myself in unsafe situations just to fit in and not only that but do be liked especially by guys.


The reality of the situation is I have never been comfortable with my disability and most people who meet me are unaware of this. They think I am okay with it as is but everyday is an internal struggle for me. Because my disability is congenital and an unspecified muscle condition I used to tell people when I began daycare and school that I got shot in my legs and that’s why I needed the wheelchair. I always felt the need to dramatize the reason I was disabled because the fact that I used a wheelchair made me different but not in a fun exciting way.


As I got older and up to present day I still make fun of myself and I have officially labelled my medical condition as the Gabby Disorder. I try desperately to “normalize” whatever part of myself I can, in an attempt to fit a mould that wasn’t created for a woman with a disability, in fact was not created for most women in general. I had many ideas about other individuals with disabilities. As a child and teen I was never involved in anything disability oriented. I never played any sports, went to special camps or any form of segregated school. I didn’t even know any other individuals with a physical disability let alone be friends with them. I had a them versus me complex. I used sayings like, “she isn’t anything like me” or “I’m not like them” etc etc. I swore off dating any guy with a disability, I would not even go there with my thoughts. In fact, none of my friends ever asked me if I would ever date a guy with a disability, for they were just as absorbed in my perception as I was. It is only recently that I have been more aware of how my disability affects me and these once held beliefs. After playing the “good-cripple” role for the majority of high school just so I could undo my previous title, by grade 12 I was sick of playing any role at all. I began to realize that my life was going to be a little bit different then all my able-bodied friends and I had better figure out what I was going to do about it. The summer of grade 12 I deemed was going to be my self-discovery process where I’d forget about the heartbreaks from high school, carry with me the good times and begin university in the fall.


During that summer I went to a 3 week independence program for people with disabilities. This 3 week program focused on activities of daily living, budgeting, working with attendants. It was an overnight program held at a Ryerson university residence. The year I went the program was featured on W5, which is a sort of dateline show for Canada. I was one of 3 individuals W5 chose to focus on. Not only was my first experience living independently aired but so was my first experience of being with people who have disabilities. Of course something I didn’t expect occurred as well. I met someone there, someone I really liked. A guy. He was charming, funny, really good at creative writing, something we both shared. We got along great in the beginning while we were at the program trying to spend as much time together in and out of session. We were so obvious that our “love story” became a part of the W5 episode. We were both coming from similar atitudinal backgrounds [believing we’d never date someone with a disability] .

As the program ended we decided to test our relationship in the real world, out in the open. In the beginning, everything was comfortable with us. I thought I had really gotten over all of my issues with my disability only for me to realize I had far more than I could’ve imagined. Not only do people with disabilities get put into different categories depending on ones perception but two disabled individuals dating also get put into categories. Everywhere we went people stared. We got ignored in high price jewellery, we were called cute by absolute strangers, we were given pitiful looks by others if we were arguing etc etc. it wasn’t good at all. The more other people stared the more I judged my boyfriend and I as a unit, myself and sometimes just him. Besides all the extra stuff we had to deal with we had to deal with regular relationship hurdles as well like family frictions, balancing school and our relationship and just getting to know each other more. And like some people’s relationships, you get to know each other and realize you don’t get along nor do you have anything in common and you break up eventually. See that’s when my other dream died. The dream of us. I used to joke that we’d one day have our own reality show like little people big world, where I’d be a child psychologist and he’d be a world famous author. Except our relationship was more like a bad Jon and Kate +8 episode instead. I was comforted knowing that I had him and could rely on him to be there always. In fact, we are still great…friends.

My biggest fear these days is that I’m going to be alone and now that I’m back in singleville I am more frightened than ever. I know there are a lot of people sitting in this room who feel the same, who share that same fear. Almost everyone in this room has felt some sort of rejection by someone they liked. It might not have been because of one’s disability but rejection is rejection. It hurts. What I experience all the time is a form of rejection when you’re not even considered. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I’ve accomplished and how much I currently accomplish, it doesn’t matter how much weight I loose/gain, how nice my hair is, what I wear, what I say. I feel like I am never enough for guys. I found myself hoping I cross there mind for the second they saw me. I feel invisible. We live in such a sex-craved society where we are bombarded by images of how women are supposed to behave. I can admit I’ve prescribed to some of these beliefs, I try to dress a certain way to impress people, only wishing to get to the next level where there is interest on a dating level.

I realize now I need to be comfortable with myself in order for anyone to truly feel comfortable with me. Although I still do try to do dress-to-impress at times my reality now is more focused on me and my needs. How an individual any individual fits with my life. I realize now that it isn’t the fact I wont date someone with a disability. I just won’t date someone with whom I don’t get along with, have nothing in common with different goals and priorities. You see, the reason for telling you all this is to make you see that individuals with disabilities have “normal” relationships and to make you aware that they share similar experiences, similar heartbreaks etc. an individual with a disability type of love is the same love someone without a disability experiences. Love is love—lust is lust—sex is sex. Sometimes you end up just wanting to have a guy you can fun with—yes we want this to and no it isn’t a ‘crush’.


As I sit here with you all today I am reminded of my feelings I had before taking this class. When I decided to take this course a few of my friends who are “able-bodied” asked me, “Why are you taking this course? You don’t even like discussing anything disability related...you hate being disabled”! They were right about it all but I knew that’s where the problem was. People within professional fields who work with individuals with disabilities have been telling me my whole life that I should be an activist for disabled people’s rights. I didn’t want to be a part of a group of individuals with disabilities fighting for an unreachable goal. See, before I assumed that the only people fighting for disability rights were disabled people alone. I used to think why would any “able-bodied” individual care about this stuff? It doesn’t affect them, they wake up every morning, jump out of their beds and live half of their life before an individual with a disability could even begin the groundwork for an independent life. Why would THEY care?

So why did I take this class? The feeling of solitude was getting too much to bare. Having majority “able-bodied” friends they could only understand a fraction of my problems because my issues were tainted with social restrictions. I didn’t want to have to complain my whole life and not do anything about it. I was sick of separating myself from other individuals with disabilities just to end up feeling isolated from them. So I took this class for understanding what disability studies was and how do we organize knowledge, our wants and needs, in a way that produces change for individuals.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

the trouble with love

Hello Blogging world I've been gone to long!!

I've had alot going on! More tests on my belly..not fun and needless to say ..NOTHING HAS BEEN FOUND YET!! I'm kind of disencouraged...starting to feel like I'm crazy (a doctor asked me if I think I'm craziessss no joke) and now he seems to think theres a problem so go figure!!

In other news..there has been an update in the boy department! Don't get too excited I'm shaky ground! I guess I'll go back a bit so you can understand the Situation (and no not that guy from jersey shore..haha i can hear all the laughs I'm getting) anywho I met him on this trip I went on a couple of years ago and it hit me instantly! Actually it was kind of funny..friends of mine were totally gaga over him and i was that hes gonna looking but he's just a guy! Long story short he was really sweet and left a gift for me before we went off are separate ways (we live in different parts of the country)

fast forward 3 years to my prom and I decide to put myself out there and ask him to come here for it and he did. I was sooo excited for him to be here but I was a nervous wreck..boys were not a territory I was familar with or not in this big way before. We were getting along really well but I could put my heart on there and wasn't saying anything either..until the last day he was here i put my myself out there and things worked out really well. the next day i went home with him to meet his fam but on the plane he said "you are my best friend" I WANT TO JUMP OUT OF THE PLANE!!!! but I had to go and meet everyone anyways

needless to say ..broken hearted me...when I asked him what happened days later he said he never had feelings for me ever (enter knife to heart) I never really believed that because he initiated everything all the time and friends were like OMG he LIKES you

blah blah blah..he got back with his ex a couple months later (she treated on him like crap) ..they were gonna live together but it never happened and they aren't together

all that babble brings us to right now...a couple months ago he messaged me and i quickly answered but blew it off. he had some news this past couple weeks so we started talking (emailing)

this is where you guys come in!! He's been saying nice stuff... like a really miss (the place where I live) I miss you guys blabla
i don't know what to make of all this..AM I CRAZY FOR EVEN THINKING BOUT THE POSSIBILITIES? Is he just being friendly? like by u guys..what's he talking about?? he misses my parents too..weird no? or is that his way of protecting himself in case I shut him down..I'm ridiculous right? I think we can all agree on that...but seriously what would you do? I feel like were gonna run out of things to email about then where is that gonna leave us

I'm gonna try and up date every day!! sorry for the delay



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