Monday, February 28, 2011

How Strong do you think I am?

I love blogging. I've been part of the blogging community for more than a few months now and its been such a great experience. I have had the opportunity to meet and become friends with so many lovely ladies I would never know otherwise. I love reading whats going on in everyones lives and giving and getting wonderful advice. I try to keep my blog full of happy and positive things but life isn't butterflies and bubble gum all time. Everyone once and awhile we hit a pothole and things get thrown off course...

So I've decided I want to give you the real picture. What my life really looks like aside from what I am loving or whos oscar gown I think was the best. (If you don't want to read this its ok I know its long)

For those of you who don't know I have been going through alot of health issues. I went away to school last September when halfway through the semester I got very sick and had to be hospitalized for six weeks. I was having constant nausea and was throwing up alot during the day. I also got a kidney stone while I was there. The doctors could never figure out why I was so sick and basically once the vomitting stopped they said its was ok for me to go even though I still wasn't feeling better. They said once I got off of hospital food and had a good home cooked meal I would feel better. They lied...

It is now almost a year and a half later and I am still not better. I am nauseous all day long, have no appetite, have extreme pain in my stomach and it gets worse after I eat. I have gone for every test humanly possible and no one can find a thing. I am many different medications including some that are meant for chemo patients (to help with nausea)

Over the last few months things have been getting worse. I am getting sicker instead of better. I have lost almost all my strength, I'm almost never able to leave the house (today was my first time in over a week), I hardly ever get out of my pjs, I just got an electric wheelchair, my meals are getting smaller and smaller. People come up to me and comment on how pale I am.I haven't told anyone this because I have been too embarrassed but the I know have a caretaker who stays with me during the day because it is too dangerous for me to be on my own as I often feel faintish and I have someone who comes in helps me with my bath. (these services have been provided to me by the health care/social work service place in my area)

To go from being completely independent to suddenly needing so much help as been extremely difficult. If you know me at all I have never been one whos good at asking for help. I'm good on my own. I don't like to depend on anyone or have anyone feel like I need them. Until today no one knows the extent of what I've been going through. I have kept most of my friends and loved ones at a distance because I don't want them to see me in this weak place or think less of me. I've done a really good job at staying away but its gets lonely. There is no one to really talk to about what I'm going through or how I'm feeling or to simply distract me for a little awhile. Sometimes it hurts my feelings that no one really calls to check in or see how I'm doing but then I have to remember I haven't really told anyone. I feel very...alone

My doctor is now filling out a referral for me to go to a special clinic in the States. Its called the undiagnosed and rare disease program in Bethesda Maryland. They only accept a few people per week so I'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I get to go. I can't imagine not getting better and having my life be like this. I am also going to see a new neurologist who specializes in autonomic diseases

Today was a really hard day. got an email from my school telling me I am officially no longer a student because I've been on a medical leave for more than a year and that I will have to reapply to the program when I am better. This was a bit of a wake up call for me. It reminded me how much things have changed. Going away to school was my dream and Dal was my dream school. My dream came true and I got in and I was so excited for what this new adventure was going to bring and then boom it was taken away just like that. How did i get here? back living at home with mom and dad, out of school with no life and feeling terrible all day everyday? This was supposed to be the BEST time for me. I thought I had it all.School, scholarships,friends, a social life. What I wouldn't give to be feeling better and back in school. Saying goodbye to my school and all of the wonderful experiences I thought I was going to have was hard. Also I met two of the best friends I've ever had where I went to school and now I never get to see em cause of how far apart we are. I just feel like a failure.

I don't know where I am, what I'm doing or where I am going but God I hope this is over soon.

If anything positive has come out of this its that I now appreciate even more all of my blessings. Things can change in an instant so enjoy the moment. enjoy every moment. For anyone going through something similar or just going through I hard time, keep your head up!

Thought I'd share this song with you guys. You probably knew I'm a huge Carrie Underwood fan and I just love this song. I listen to it whenever I am feeling down

6 comments:

  1. Reading your post reminds me a lot of a fellow blogger "A Blonde walks into a Blog" blog....she is VERY sick and almost never blogs bec of her sudden unexplained illness. I hardly know what to say, because nothing I could say will make you better. Where are your parents in all of this? Why don't they help take care of you and not a care taker>

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  2. If blogging has taught me anything, it's that reaching out is totally worth it! I'm glad you had the strength to post this. Prayers that you'll get into that clinic!

    A friend from elementary school had something that sounds very similar to your symptoms called superior mesenteric artery syndrome (SMS). Whether it's SMS or something else, I hope they find you treatment soon!

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I will certainly be praying for you and hope you get some answers soon. I'm on round 2 in my battle with cancer, but most days I'm just fine. Keep your chin up girl!

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  4. I can't say I can identify with your problems because I've been relatively healthy my whole life.... but I recently took a semester off from college because of health reasons and a lack of direction - and I totally get the feeling like a failure... It's so hard because you want to be somewhere else - for me I don't know what that is so it makes it somewhat manageable being home - I can't imagine knowing what I want and not being able to go for it... I really really really hope you get into the program in Maryland and that you can start with that positive news as a ray of hope in your year. On a different note - I got to your blog via a twitter suggestion and I love your layout and your header info - you seem like a true gem... And I really hope that things in your life start looking up... I'll say a prayer for you!!

    -R
    http://rbryant936.blogspot.com

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  5. Stumbled on your blog from The Shine Project.. I'm not sure about the extent of your symptoms but you should look into getting tested for food allergies? It's a long shot but I have Celiacs Disease (allergic to wheat, rye, oats, and barley) and when I was sick when I was younger I was extremely malnourished, moody, weak, and had vomiting. It's always hard because the symptoms are so broad. If you want to inquire more feel free to email me! kristen(at)thenotos(dot)net. I'm praying they figure something out soon!

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  6. found your blog through The Shine Project. I have tears in my eyes from that video and your post. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so badly. It's hard to do those things you love when you don't feel well. I will pray for your health, strength, happiness, and support. Keep searching and reading online. Sometimes, we are our best doctors and can help diagnose ourselves with enough info. I wish you the best.

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