Is It Circumstance Or Is It Me?

Last night I watched Losing it with Jillian and something really struck a cord with me. Jillian was talking to one of the kids in the family about why she let herself get like this and why she doesn't try harder. After a little interrogation ...she said because I feel like a failure (she failed out of nursing school)

Of course I start boo hooing because thats what I do. This really hit hard and hit home because honestly I feel like a failure. A BIG ONE.

When I was 18 I decided to apply for job as a councilor at a camp for kids with disabilities in Saskatchewan. I have a friend who lives there so I planned to live them. I was so excited that I got the job. It was 6 days and week and being on call at night and one day off but I loved. I loved tucking people in getting hugs and just spending time with people who appreciated it and were full of love. they made every moment of my time worth while and honestly i would have done the job for free. Perfect right? Wrong! My supervisor for some reason didn't like me or the fact that I was working with people with disabilities and I had one myself. She'd come in at night and take to my coworker and not even acknowledge me. Then one day...just my luck I went to lift my walker over a step and I tripped backwards and hit my head pretty hard. Great ..she already hates me lets show my incompetence..I had really bad concussion and an hour after...while i was having a hard time staying awake she called me in for my performance appraisal and said someone like you should not be working somewhere like here..I was totally hurt but too sick to defend myself. what went down from there was her and her friend telling our bosses lies about me and as a result i got demoted. I no longer would be spending as much time with the kids. once i got better i was able to go into my boss and defend myself and was able to prove that what said were lies. i later left the job and went home

FAIL NUMBER 1

I think I posted about this before but I had my heart broken by a boy I was totally WRONGFULLY falling for. I met him when I was 15 and had just left my high school and after all the bullying. It September I would be starting at a new school. We met on an exchange in the summer. It was different then anything I had ever experience it just felt right. After 2 years after that of falling in and out of contact I wrote him and decided to invite him to prom. He said yes. He came here for a week and is was a rocky road. I could not figure him out one day he was into it and the next he wasn't until the last night he was here. He said he wanted me to come home to where he lived with him to meet his fam and make us official. I thought I must have been wrong about the mixed signals but when we are on the plane there he said "your my best friend but I think we should just be friends." great time to tell me right? so i had to go and meet is fam and sleep there cuz i couldn't get a flight home until the next day:(

FAIL NUMBER 2

Going Away to School Didn't turn out either as you guys know...I was there two months and boom I got sick and still not feeling so I won't be going back this year :(

FAIL NUMBER 3

I've been taking driving lessons for awhile...I used an adapted vehicule (a big truck) Instead of using a brake and gas pedal I use a joystick appratus..I push forward for the brake and pull back for the gas. It hasn't really been going fantastic. I am really nervous driving and I have a hard time turning properly ..so today my instructor said next week will be my evalution with an occupational therapist and she will decide whether to continue the lessons or me not drive ever again. he said he doesn't think i'll be a driver. there goes that dream and any hope of being more independent or a little more like anyone

FAIL NUMBER 4

I don't know when I'm gonna get something right..I feel like life is going down to toilet bit by bit. Sorry for getting all poor me but its been a rough friggin day

hope y'all r well

Top 2 Tuesday!

Its Top 2 Tuesday over at the undomestic momma. Go check her out if you haven't she is an absolute doll!! This weeks topic is guilty pleasures. Let me just say asking me to pick just two is so unfair lol

1. Listen to Chistmas Music...even when its not christmas

I don't know theres just something about christmas that calms me and puts me in a good mood..I love it all! My favorite christmas album (modern one) is Jessica Simpson ReJoyce


2 Shopping alone or with friend or my mom (she often will pick up something for me ..love her) although i prefer to be alone. Iove shopping for clothes or maybe or anything really. I dont like shopping for shoes if the store is mostly empty or I'm alone. i dont like all the attention from the sales people. i feel pressure

side note: i also really love tv...reality (shows on tlc..the hills. the city, losing it with jillian) and girly shows like one tree hill,9010. greek, gossip girl melrose place and the list goes on...ohh i also love cbs comedy...ok ok i know i watch too much tv

Miscellaneous Mondays

It's Miscellany Monday over at Lowercase Letters. I love this idea of making monday less mundane by sharing some fun little timbits of random info with you guys so here goes...

One: I really wish I was southern belle. Sometimes I say y'all and try to put an accent on some of my words and pretend like its just the way I speak when my friends say what the heck is that? Give me a break I'm just trying to channel my inner Reese Witherspoon

Two: I think being on the Bacherlorette would be a GREAT IDEA. As long as you realize your not gonna find real love ur good to go. Hello free vacations, life of luxury, kissin some boys...ok men...ok frogs and finish off with a stint on dancing with the stars...downside I see none

Three. I hate grass ...no not the kind you smoke.. i mean really grass. I hate the way it feels on my feet. i hate that there are bugs crawling in it, i hate sitting in it..i just don't like it

Four: I hate diet soft drinks but I drink them because they're low cal

My Fab birthday!!

My birthday was in the begining of may and a couple weeks after that I went out to a mexican restaurant downtown and out for drinks afterwards. I had so much fun! Honest to pete I was so spoiled and i have no idea why. My friend D and his girlfriend M came and picked me up and we went to the restaurant and met all my friends. D is the greatest guy and friend. He paid for dinner and my drinks and got me a 50 dollar gift for itunes. Can you believe it? I think he went way over board but I love them for it:) My friend went to fancy store downtown and got me a beautiful scarf that I am absolutely in love with and a gorge pair of earrings and my friends M&N got an awesome nude color leather purse that I LOVE. We had dinner and some oh my god disguisting mexican cake. can you say ewww.

Then we went to a bar and danced the night away. It was weird cause normally i hate dancing and avoid it like the plague. I think it was a mixture of the drinks i had and the fact that I don't get out of the house much being sick. I had alot of just hanging out with people i love and being myself and not worrying bout others around me. I love the people in my life and I'm so lucky to em. The night ended with a big mac from Mickey Ds (side note: i only like it after a night out haha)

hope you enjoy the picture from the night

Remember you are BEAUTIFUL.

Her Royal Higness

I’d heard of blogs and blogging but I never read any or had anything to do with them then when I got sick and was home ALL day EVERY day. I happened to stumble onto someone’s blog through one of the daily sites I go on. From there are started finding more and reading more. It became a great to keep myself occupied during the day.
I found the idea of blogging pretty awesome. The idea of getting to learn things from people all over the world from many different walks of life is so cool. With a couple clicks of a button you can bring joy to someone’s day, make them feel like their not alone or simply that there’s someone understands you. I think sometimes we get so caught up and we forget to check in with our own emotions.

I came across Hailey’s blog I few months ago and it might sound silly but she totally change my perspective on life and it made take a good look at myself and see that there were something I need to fix. Her blog is called Destined for Royalty (I know cute right!?!) and its all about her journey down the aisle (she’s now a newlywed) and its all about her life and being newly married. Hailey has name herself “Her Royal Highness” now only because she’s totally fab and deserves a crown but her initials are actually HRH. If read Hailey’s blog you know that she carries herself with confidence and respect for herself. She believes that she deserves the best the world has to offer and you know what?.... she’s absolutely right!!! Every girl out there deserves to be treated like she royalty (no that doesn’t mean spending tons of money)

I have always considered myself a last priority. I always put everyone before me. I never believed that I deserve anything good I just chalk it up to people feeling sorry for me. Logically I know I’ve worked hard for the things I’ve gotten but I never feel it. II’m that girl that laughs when I’m given a complement and shrugs off any attention that comes on me as quickly as possible. Ladies you feel me? I realize now from Hailey that in order to attract the good things in your life you have to open to the possibility that god has to offer and you have to believe that you deserve that goodness. That is when it’ll come to you.
I realize now that I do deserve attention and I do deserve positive things. I just need to open myself to the idea.
I emailed Hailey and she is a complete doll. Not only is she beautiful and the greatest wedding planner ever (holy moly u should see the pics I think its honest the most beautiful and original wedding I’ve ever seen) and she was sweet enough to tell me about similar rough patch she went through I would have never thought that would happen to such a wonderful girl

So here’s to you Hailey! I think your fab and no one wear the title of her highness as well as you!!! Matt is a lucky man!! Follow her at www.destinedforroyalty.blogspot.com

To All the girls out there I crown you princess or Queen of your life/ You deserve to live your own version of a fairytale what ever that may be☺ Some days your foot will swell and that glass slipper won’t fit but it is just a little water retention lol you’ll good as new in the morning still as beautiful if not more beautiful then Cinderella..

Being Sick is the New Black

This past September was a big month for me. I was going away to school…my DREAM school at that. Dalhousie University. I had decided I wanted to go to this school years ago and my goodness what a fight it was to get there. You see my mom and dad were not jumping for joy when I camp home from school one day and declare I was going to go into therapeutic recreation and I was going to study at a school in a totally different province and be miles away from them.
I fought with them tooth and nail for 2 years convincing them that I could go away to school despite the fact that it would be challenging would be much more challenging for me then going to a school near home I knew that I could solve these problems as I had solved ever other obstacle that had come my way. I desperately wanted to have independence that other people my age had. You see I live out of the city and transportation is difficult because there is nothing that is accessible for me. ( we have train but it has stairs so I need someone’s arm to help me get on) so whenever I wanna go somewhere I have to ask my Dad to drive which can be stinky cause if he works or does feel like it my plans or squashed. I won’t go into detail about everything else but you feel me right?
I was so exited to be going to dal. I road tripped it there with my godmother and my rents flew and met us there. (we can just forget my mimi panic attack as we got close to dal LOL)

Fast forward to a month into school and was pretty happy. I made some really good friends, I got a job offer after going to a conference for my program and I had freedom.. I was a bit overwhelmed with the anount of work (side note: im a total perfectionist so I like literally was trying to do 600 pages of reading…can you say impossible?) All of sudden I started getting pain in the top pf my stomach…like a really bad burning. I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want to be anywhere near food (unusual cuz this little lady loves her some food.) After a couple weeks of this and not sleeping well I went to the doctor and said oh it probably stress. Long story short after brushing me off long enough I ended up in the hospital for over a month with chronic vomiting and a kidney stone found while I was there. They courldn’t figure out what was wrong with me so they let me go and said I would get better once I rested up and went home.
Well people they Wrong with a capital W. I came home in December right before Christmas and I’m still better. I nausea ALL the time, I have burning in my chest, I’m so tired, I have no energy, I’m on like 5 different meds and I just don’t feel well. I’ve had every test under the moon, 3 gastroscopies, barium test, blood tests, ct scans, ultrasound.. I’ve have it all and nothing but a little inflammation in my esophahis.
I’’m going craaazy…I’ve been to sooooooo many doctors and everyone keeps blowing me off. The lastest being Thursday. I have been having some irregular bleeding the past couple days and I’ve never had that before…he said well I guess you’ve never been to gyno for obvious reasons…what obvious reason that fact that I’m disabled and theres no way anyone would want to have sex with me? So ignorant!! I’m just really tired of fighting and this is not the life I want to be living. .one where I can barely get out of the house and on where I can’t eat. I don’t want I’m gonna do I feel like I’m never going to get better☹ if anyone has anyone ideas about what could be wrong let me know…I am at the end of my rope

REVAMP

Hi Y'All
So I know I’ve been gone for awhile but you weren’t out of my mind. I had been thinking about having someone professionally design my blog (for those of you wondering why I didn’t do it myself..simple I am Not tech savvy at all) I thought it was gonna be like a 2 day process but apparently I’m a bit of a control freak and a perfectionist and I made it go a little longer than planned (sorry Jen you were amazing to work with thank you for putting up with me)
I was totally inspired by this website I recently stumble on it and inspired the blog update. Operation Beautiful is a movement started by a woman named Caitlin to encourage women to feel beautiful in their own skin. The whole point of the movement is for people to leave post it notes with confidence boosting messages like “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL” in different places you go for strangers to find.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share the details of what happened to me because I feel like talking about it is like saying “Poor Me” but after seeing what one person can do with a post it note I think its time I open up and maybe help someone else by doing so.
When I was 15 and in my early years of high school I was viciously bullied. The boys in my grade would push and shove me, try to trip me and basically try to beat me up any chance they got. For a young girl you can imagine what that feels when most girls are trying to hump whatever they can find but somehow what they want to do to you is physically harm you. But these boys were the least of my worries. Girls ripped me apart verbally every day of week…to the point where I had to hide in my helpers office to order to prevent a situation.. there were lots of different words thrown at me but I think the worst thing said to me that hurt the most was “YOU ARE NOTHING…YOU’RE A BITCH. THE ONLY REASON WHY ANYONE WOULD EVER TALK YOU IS BECAUSE YOUR DISABLED AND PEOPLE PITY. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE…NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU” I remember being completely thrown and thinking Oh My goodness is this true am I going to be alone? Is this what everyone thinks of me? I was mortified (this happened in my school cafeteria and the room fell silent for this girls little speech. I don’t think I ever been the same after that day.
I went through a lot that year but thankfully I changed schools and my life changed drastically. I made friends who genuinely to this day love me for me. The thing is my environment changed but I didn’t and in a lot of ways still haven’t. years have gone by, I have grown up and have had many different experiences but in a lot of ways I still feel like that girl being ripped apart every single day. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t love what I see, I pick myself apart and everyday I look at the world around me and I just don’t measure up. Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough you get the picture. I realize as I get older that I am much harder on myself then those taunting kids ever were. It is 3 years later and I am sure those people who made my life hell don’t remember me but I remember them…they are with me everyday.
I am slowly realizing that if I want my life to change I have to change the way I think and see myself. I want to love myself and I want to help others feel the same way. So I want you to know that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU. Your differences are what make you YOU and you should fill your world people who love you for those differences. I hope you’ll join me on my journey to find myself and the life I want to life☺