Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Is It Circumstance Or Is It Me?

Last night I watched Losing it with Jillian and something really struck a cord with me. Jillian was talking to one of the kids in the family about why she let herself get like this and why she doesn't try harder. After a little interrogation ...she said because I feel like a failure (she failed out of nursing school)

Of course I start boo hooing because thats what I do. This really hit hard and hit home because honestly I feel like a failure. A BIG ONE.

When I was 18 I decided to apply for job as a councilor at a camp for kids with disabilities in Saskatchewan. I have a friend who lives there so I planned to live them. I was so excited that I got the job. It was 6 days and week and being on call at night and one day off but I loved. I loved tucking people in getting hugs and just spending time with people who appreciated it and were full of love. they made every moment of my time worth while and honestly i would have done the job for free. Perfect right? Wrong! My supervisor for some reason didn't like me or the fact that I was working with people with disabilities and I had one myself. She'd come in at night and take to my coworker and not even acknowledge me. Then one day...just my luck I went to lift my walker over a step and I tripped backwards and hit my head pretty hard. Great ..she already hates me lets show my incompetence..I had really bad concussion and an hour after...while i was having a hard time staying awake she called me in for my performance appraisal and said someone like you should not be working somewhere like here..I was totally hurt but too sick to defend myself. what went down from there was her and her friend telling our bosses lies about me and as a result i got demoted. I no longer would be spending as much time with the kids. once i got better i was able to go into my boss and defend myself and was able to prove that what said were lies. i later left the job and went home

FAIL NUMBER 1

I think I posted about this before but I had my heart broken by a boy I was totally WRONGFULLY falling for. I met him when I was 15 and had just left my high school and after all the bullying. It September I would be starting at a new school. We met on an exchange in the summer. It was different then anything I had ever experience it just felt right. After 2 years after that of falling in and out of contact I wrote him and decided to invite him to prom. He said yes. He came here for a week and is was a rocky road. I could not figure him out one day he was into it and the next he wasn't until the last night he was here. He said he wanted me to come home to where he lived with him to meet his fam and make us official. I thought I must have been wrong about the mixed signals but when we are on the plane there he said "your my best friend but I think we should just be friends." great time to tell me right? so i had to go and meet is fam and sleep there cuz i couldn't get a flight home until the next day:(

FAIL NUMBER 2

Going Away to School Didn't turn out either as you guys know...I was there two months and boom I got sick and still not feeling so I won't be going back this year :(

FAIL NUMBER 3

I've been taking driving lessons for awhile...I used an adapted vehicule (a big truck) Instead of using a brake and gas pedal I use a joystick appratus..I push forward for the brake and pull back for the gas. It hasn't really been going fantastic. I am really nervous driving and I have a hard time turning properly ..so today my instructor said next week will be my evalution with an occupational therapist and she will decide whether to continue the lessons or me not drive ever again. he said he doesn't think i'll be a driver. there goes that dream and any hope of being more independent or a little more like anyone

FAIL NUMBER 4

I don't know when I'm gonna get something right..I feel like life is going down to toilet bit by bit. Sorry for getting all poor me but its been a rough friggin day

hope y'all r well

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